Quartz in the Rough

Persistence is the key to so many things. When I was a little kid I wanted to learn to ride a bike, but I had to fall off a few times before I was able to successfully ride down the street – even after I could ride around the block, I suffered from the occasional spill. However, if I never got back on a bike after my first skinned knee, or even after my sixth or seventh, I never would have felt glorious wind on my face as I rode up and down the Venice Beach boardwalk as an adult. Trials and failures will eventually lead to success, as long as one continues to try.

As is evident in my previous blogs, I have wiped out numerous times when attempting to online date. I have tried to engage with the men I’ve met online – giving them the benefit of the doubt and trying to picture myself with them in once capacity or another. However, in all previous five instances where I’ve actually met a man from the other end of my internet connection, they’ve turned out to be helplessly and hopelessly incompatible with me. I openly discuss how much I despise online dating, but like I did when I fell off of my bicycle, after each failed meeting I dusted myself off and tried again.

I am happy to report the sixth time was the charm - or at least has given me a glimmer of hope.

A man recently initiated conversation with me and he wasn’t the exactly my usual “type,” but he was well written and clearly had spent time on his profile, so I decided to entertain him. Our conversations and emails actually intimidated me! He was so eloquent and measured in his emails that I wondered what he would be like in real life, but I knew he’d be smart.

We decided to go out and I actually enjoyed an online date for the first time ever! He spent time thinking about where we should go and what we should eat. We went out for a great wine and small plates from a fantastic restaurant in town, near my place. He was chivalrous and I found myself hoping that he liked me instead of me trying to make myself like him. Conversation was easy and while getting to know each other we told stories, laughed, and related to one another.

Afterwards he walked me home and I was a little bit awkward (of course) because if he wanted to go in for a kiss I didn’t give him much of an opportunity… because I’m awkward and get nervous.

The good news is we both had a good time and have said we should do it again soon. I think he’ll get a second date and, if he’s lucky, he might even get a record third date – something that’s never happened when I’ve met someone online.

I’m not head over heels in love, but it’s nice to look forward to seeing someone and to give something meaningful a chance to grow. Looks like I might be done falling down for a while and may actually get to ride my bike down the street!

Let Myself Live

I was asked not so long ago, "Why do you write?" An interesting quandary to say the least, but I think I might have isolated the catalyst for my literary ventures. The simplest answer is, I write to process. I never thought of myself as much of a writer until I started putting pen to paper (errr... fingers to keyboard) about three years ago. Now, it is one of the places where I am happiest and a place for self discovery.

I hope those who read this blog understand that my compilation of expositions is nothing more than my own personal outlet to understand the world around me and where I fit, thereby better understanding myself along the way. I believe that in our collective culture sometimes we are overwhelmed by events, issues, and people in our lives for a host of reasons. Events in our lives can be frightening or exciting causing us stress, but we often fail to truly examine the reason why these things cause impact the ways we think and feel. Even more importantly, sometimes we fail to see that by a person or event challenging us we are actually growing, the alternative results without hurdles to overcome could often be worse than the reality in which we live.

Thus, I suppose I'm writing this to tell people that I have no vendettas or ulterior motives while writing this blog. I am writing for me to help me navigate my search for a lasting healthy loving relationship. If you happen to relate to what I'm writing, tell me why! If you disagree with me, let me know that, too. Or, if you happen to think I'm writing about you, well, then I suppose you may have stumbled upon information that will give you the upper hand in our interactions. You may either choose to confront me, or change your actions, or simply ignore what is written here and pretend you are ignorant of my thoughts and emotions.

How you interact with my musings is ultimately up to you, but I truly own what is written here. They are my thoughts and feelings. I hope that other people will relate to my experiences and maybe we can help navigate this crazy world together - or at least know we are not alone.

On to the Next

Still no word, so back to the online dating universe I delve.

On deck for this week from the online realm is a super smart attorney whose personality is *hopefully* more humorous and engaging than his writing samples might indicate. Now I finally feel like I understand where men come from who say they were “intimidated” by my usage of proper English in emails and commas in text messages since, with this dude, I also feel the pang of intimidation. He has planned a classier date than his other online counterparts - a trip to a tasteful wine bar I've always wanted to try. I'm cautiously optimistic, but only time will tell whether or not this dude is fantastic or just another one date wonder.

I still wish Mr. Outing would have stepped up and made asked me out on a real date, I suppose he still could, but the glimmer of hope I had for him is fading fast. At the end of the day I want someone who doesn't need to be poked and prodded to ask me out - I should not be the only one who initiates conversation or plans. As a good friend said, "The beginning of a relationship is not supposed to be hard." Yes, relationships take work, but when it's right - it's right. It'll feel easy at the start and he'll go out of his way to show you he is interested.

Hoodwinked and Bamboozled

As if my last few days hadn’t already been bad enough. I thought I’d get a call and Mr. Outing asking me out on a real date, alas by “we should do this again” he really meant, “I’m not interested, but I am polite.” Then, last night, a former person showed up out of no where despite the fact I was vigilant in making sure he would not turn up. Let me start at the beginning.

Last summer this person and I were a part of the same intramural sports team. In the course of three weeks I think he probably said three sentences to me.  Then, exactly one year ago, we ended up at the Saint Ann’s Italian Festival and that sort of kicked off a month of hooking up – instigated and driven by him. He made moves, he contacted me every day, he made it clear he was interested, until one day he simply dropped off the face of the universe without saying anything to me.

His actions were hurtful and cowardly. When everything finally came out he was vague and just said he didn’t want to do what we were doing anymore. I knew he was recently out of a long term relationship and that he was freaking out about turning 30, so I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt. However, at his 30^th birthday party he showed up with his ex, which was a major slap in the face.

I was so angry that he led me on the way that he did. That he pushed things to happen, even though he knew that our social circles intersected. In retrospect, he’d always treated me like an asshole. He wasn’t kind. He never took me out on a real date. He wasn’t interested in anything authentic, he was only interested in using me. Well, mission accomplished and I never want anything to do with him ever again.

So, last night. My roommate and her friend were going back to the festival and I asked who all was going – just the two of them, I was told. Then a few more people turned up. Finally, low and behold, there was asshole. The one person I did not want to see on the one day I definitely didn’t want to see him. He still makes me angry because he treated me like garbage and now he makes me feel unwelcome in social situations. He should not have that right, considering he is the one who wronged me, but he since everything happened he has never owned or apologized for his manipulative selfish actions.

As if my weekend couldn’t have gotten worse, I was hoodwinked and bamboozled.

Back to square one. On to the next.

Road Full of Promise, Head Full of Doubt

As I muddle through the confusing universe of dating I have come to realize, I truly despise online dating. It is the absolute worst. Over the past three years in New York I’ve now gone out with five guys I’ve met through a digital medium – not one of them has ever made it more than two dates.

It took me three months to dust myself off after my most recent breakup. To get back out there I tried the online thing again, despite my previous crash and burns. Over the past month I have met a total of two men and both came across great on paper, online, and over the phone. It would seem that either would have been a great fit for me. However, alas, when I met both there was a complete lack of true chemistry for one reason or another.

The first guy put so much emphasis on finding “the right girl” and “settling down” straight out of the gate that it was frightening and he nearly forced me to accept what felt like a wedding proposal the very night we met. I just can’t commit to that from anyone right away! We talked about our online histories and he had been on dates with hundreds of girls from half a dozen dating websites. As he talked about his past, I felt as though he’d instantaneously take any half way decent woman who would have him and I never want to be the only option – I want someone to choose me. I want to be the choice, not the default. (Plus, dude never visits NYC and has lived here his whole life. I just can’t live with being the only quasi-connected person in the relationship. I need someone who shares my interests and challenges me!)

My next excursion out was with a different gentleman who was a really decent person. He had unique interests and an outgoing personality. However, when we met, I was completely left unimpressed and uninspired. I don’t want to judge people too harshly and what I’m about to say is not the sole reason, but his outfit was totally wack. He was even uncool enough to ask me the night before our date if I like guys to be clean shaven or not. I told him to “be comfortable, with a little bit of date effort” and what I got was nuts. Black work boots, shorts, and a blue gingham button down short sleeved shirt – not to mention, he was drenched in sweat, which I know was not his fault but it also didn’t help the ensemble. If that was date effort, I don’t think I’d want to see everyday attire. There was just a complete and total lack of chemistry throughout. At least he was cool enough not to make me feel like an ass and when he asked if I wanted to “do this again” and when I said no, he seemed totally cool with it.

So, with these two experiences, I’m back to the grind.

I know that deep down we are all searching and hoping to find that special person, but sometimes finding that person takes time. You can’t rush or seek lasting partnership where it may or may not exist – when you look for things that aren’t there your eyes can create a mirage and convince you that you’ve found true happiness when it may only be an illusion. You can’t beckon love over to you, it finds you and sometimes it takes longer than expected. It cannot be planned or calculated, and sometimes it needs time to grow.

On a more personal note, I did meet someone organically not so long ago. On the fly (perhaps because I was about three sheets to the wind) I proposed that we attend an outing together a couple weeks away and he agreed. The next day he reached out to me “virtually,” but never made any attempt to actually communicate with me in real time. I decided to go forward with our plans, but dismissed him as anything more than a potential friend since he was not actively pursuing me.

Recently we went on our scheduled outing. Good times were had by all.  It was great getting to know him, but from my perspective he was only interested in the outing and perhaps my friendship. However, at the end of the night, things almost felt like a date, yet it wasn’t. And, if it’s not a date, I don’t treat it like a date. But, he proposed that we should do it again and I thought that was a good idea so I told him to text or call me soon and, so far, nothing.

One thing I’ve learned during my dating days – if he’s not asking you out on a date, he either isn't interested or is only interested in a “friends with benefits” situation and I will never put myself there again. Time will tell if he’ll ask me out on a date or properly try to communicate with me, but, for now, I’m not going to put any eggs in that basket because I refuse to  put myself on the line for men who simply aren’t interested in me.