The Thing About "Nice" Guys

Recently, a friend of mine told me they had a “nice” guy I should meet. The conversation went something like this:
Me: “Is he cute?”
Her: “Well, sort of. He’s a niiiiice guy.”
Me: “How old is he?”
Her: “Older than us. Mid-thirties.”
Me: I’m skeptical. “What’s wrong with him?”
Her: “Nothing. Girls just tend to walk all over him. He’s just a nice guy.”
Me: “What does he do?”
Her: “I don’t know… something generic like finance or business or something.”
Me: “Is he outgoing?”
Her: “He’s shy, but he’s a nice guy.”
Me: “I don’t want to do all the work here.”
Her: “He’s the kind of guy who will do anything for the person he is with. You just have to work at it.”

The problem in this situation and in others like it is that “nice” guys seems to mean someone who has no backbone and is just, “meh.” He’s not bad, he’s not great, essentially this man is nothing to write home about. You won’t be swept off your feet, you’ll actually have to coax him out of his shell, and maybe, just maybe, then you’ll be attracted to him, but chances are there will never be a spark. If you get past his generic blah-ness, he’ll be so happy to have you, he’ll be yours forever. All of this begs the question, why are these so-called “nice” guys so unappealing? As if you couldn't already tell, I’ve had a little time to think about this and here it goes -

This “nice” guy my friend was describing is, or appears to be, a total pushover and I’ve gone on dates with men just like this before. These “nice” guys meet a girl and immediately will do anything to please them. He doesn’t bend over backwards to please the girl because he is truly interested in the girl – he doesn’t even know the girl yet, he only makes extra effort because he wants to love the girl. He wants to see past her faults and, gosh darn it, if she likes him he’ll find a way to love whoever she might be. The particular girl doesn’t actually matter one bit in this equation. She’s basically a walking vagina that he hopes to claim forever. Not cool and not attractive.

In this situation, it’s the girl who has to do all of the work. It’s the girl who has to delve deeper into the situation to see if this man is, in fact, a diamond in the rough, but the rough is so rough she’ll give up before she even gets close. As she digs, he’ll give her generic lines that he thinks will win her over. Yet, instead of being genuine, he’ll sell himself to her and never truly be himself. He’ll make declarations of what he would, could, or will do for the girl if they continue to date. For example:
“I’ll bring you flowers.”
“I’ll shovel your driveway when it snows.”
“I’ll pick you up at any airport any day at any hour.”
“I’ll take you out on great dates all the time.”
While all of these things are amazing in actuality and exactly what girls want, girls don’t want to hear about what a guy will or won’t do for them, they just want him to do it. If a man say’s “I’ll do this” and “I’ll do that” a girl will quickly feel smothered and scared. When any person moves in the relationship too soon by making broad statements or big gestures it forces the other person to make a decision about whether or not they could possibly be with the other person forever and when decisions are rushed the answer is usually a big fat no. We’re essentially all scared deer in a huge forest and if someone tries to get too close too fast they will make us go leaping into the trees away from them never to be seen again.

On the other hand, if the situation is handled well, as time passes a mutual trust, adoration, and respect can build and the declarations I listed above are things that if simply done (and not broadcast) will make a woman will feel loved and valued. She will throw a party for that man in her head (perhaps also in her bed) and fall in love one deed at a time and will perform her own lovely deeds for the man in return.

I think this my friend is describing to me is a man who is convinced he needs to be in love and I am also a woman who is convinced I need to be in love. But as men and women who want to be in love have specific respective roles to play. In my book, a man needs to clearly and definitively take the lead and show interest without appearing over eager or desperate. In return, I need to be open to the possibility of dating, show interest, and give him a shot. After we see each other a few times and truly enjoy one another’s company, that’s when small gestures above the normal date can be made on either side of the table to test the waters. Whether or not a gesture is appreciated or returned will show the other person’s level of comfort and interest. Once gestures are given routinely and reciprocated, at that point like (err.. love?) is starting to blossom and the chances of scaring away the other person slowly diminishes.

This whole showing interest and starting a relationship while trying not to scare the other person away is a difficult line to walk, we must all be patient. However, we must all still decide to take affirmative action and true to ourselves. This “nice” guy my friend wants me to meet, must be bold. He must decide to take an interest and make a move, not expect me to pull him out of his shyness. He also needs to be sure he truly likes me and not just the fact I’m a girl who might accept him, as I also need to be sure I like every part of him down to his very soul. He must also try not to speak continually about what he will or won’t do, but if there is mutual attraction, as time passes he needs to show me what he will or won’t do, as I show him what I will and won’t do. Both of our actions must speak for who we are.

The truth is, I want to meet a nice guy and marry him someday. I want the man I’m with to be someone who will go out of his way for myself and our family, as well as for our friends and neighbors. However, I also want someone who is secure in himself. I want someone who is vibrant, playful, sweet, thoughtful, caring, motivated, driven, happy, helpful, passionate, and many other things.

Only time will tell whether two people can be right for one another, but in the rules to my game, we’ll only ever get there if a man has the balls to be a man first and not a wishy-washy generic "nice" guy.

Daily Struggles

One thing I have said before, and will say again, is that we all have our own struggles. Every single person – no matter how great their life might look on the outside has weaknesses and points of where they hope their life might be able to improve.

I, like everyone, have struggles I must face every day. Some of my struggles are visible, like my weight. You can’t look at me and wonder if weight is a struggle, it’s clear that it is. I am up, I’m down, but I’m always consistently heavy, curvy, chunky… fat. It hurts me and all I want to do is get better, but I keep slipping and I keep feeling inadequate. However, when it all comes down to it, I wonder if my weight is a result of my internal struggle manifesting itself on my body.

With hot tears rolling down my face on my walk home the other day, I was reminded I deal with sadness. It comes and goes, but more recently it's been a staple of my day to day living. I don't want to blame my sadness on someone or something, but it truly lies in my lack of a meaningful relationship. I see the people around me getting married and having babies and I wonder, "what about me?" btw, just for the record I am NOT at a place where I'd want to have a baby any time soon

Like my weight, my sadness comes and it goes. I’m up and I’m down, but this crushing feeling of sadness always eventually rears its ugly head. I’m constantly dwelling on my loneliness and my imperfections. When I feel truly loved – by choice, not by familial obligation – I am so happy and content. I feel like I’m in charge of my future and my destiny and that I’m lucky to have someone there by my side who loves me, but the instances of me truly feeling loved are so few and far between that nearly all of my life I have not felt I’m worthy of happiness. Of course, the irony here is all too apparent; my sadness is like replant to a significant relationship and lasting companionship.

Friends help. Being surrounded by friends makes me feel somehow less conspicuous in my lack of lasting companionship. Friends give me a glimmer of hope that maybe some day someone will love me. Maybe someone some day will choose me. Maybe some day I’ll be worth it to someone. Maybe I’ll be worth it to someone who will also be worth the world to me. That has yet to be seen and has left me struggling, perhaps more than usual, with my sadness.

Coupling by Season

An odd phenomenon, not to mention one I've never even considered, but according to a guy who would know, women should abandon any hope of starting something special with a dude in the spring/summer.

Friend's boyfriend, or FBF as I will henceforth refer to him, is the longtime boyfriend of one of my best friends. He's a tad bit older and wiser than gentlemen my own age, but he definitely isn't flawless. He has been with my girl friend for nearly 5 years - they have lived together for three - but there's still no ring on it. You can guess how my friend must feel about the entire situation... not so awesome.  However, despite his current romantic situation FBF sometimes makes a lot of sense when it comes to talking about relationships and my current single situation. Recently we had a heart to heart while waiting for a AAA repairman to come fix his flat tire while my friend was passed out in the front seat.

FBF has told me before (and reiterated during our wait for the ever absent repair-dude) to stop stressing about love in my life and have confidence in who I am. According to him, I've got my shit going on. He reminds me to look at where I am - I have a masters degree, a full time job I like, a 5-block walk to work, great friends, and an adventurous spirit. In his mind and, according to him, in the minds of men who I meet, any man would be lucky to get with me. He even takes it one step further, he declares that the men I meet actually have something to prove to me, not the other way around.

While chatting FBF also disclosed another dating oddity which I had never considered, apparently men only want to really get with ladies in a significant way round about the fall and winter - definitely not in the spring or summer. Apparently we ladies are just barking up all the wrong trees if the temperature is above 70 degrees. FBF said men want to snuggle up in the winter time "'cause winters get cold" and in the summertime there are ladies looking to have fun abound.

Interesting theory. As the fall approaches with effervescent speed, I will keep you posted.

Risky Business

On the last weekend of summer I looked at my friends and declared, "I want to take more risks."

The question I got in return was, "What does that mean?" My answer is still a work in progress.

Over the past three years I have evolved tremendously. Where I used to be shy and self conscious to the point I was nearly debilitated by my own insecurities, I now try to exude confidence and nonchalance regarding the men around me. I try to act like, "If you want me, you'll come and get me. If you don't want me, well, that's your own fault and you're going to miss out on something special." I suppose this change came about when I finally stopped caring about what men thought and when I decided romantic human connections were more important than personal physical perfection, which I will probably never attain.

When I made the decision to stop being overly critical of myself, I came into my new persona and suddenly started to meet men. At first, of course, I started with as a bright eyed optimist. I thought the men I met must be great and looked for their goodness while overlooking their issues and drawbacks. The result? I got burned over and over again. Also, let me clarify, I was not naive. I knew that when I met a man casually, I probably didn't mean much to him. However, when I'd meet a man and he'd actively pursue me, I made sure that I appreciated him and did my best to make things work. Regardless of my effort and optimism, I've been broken up with numerous times. I've gotten, "It's not you, it's me." and "We just shouldn't do what we're doing anymore." and, the harshest breakup of all, "You just don't mean anything to me." Therefore, along with my presentation of confidence, I've been forced to develop a strong exterior to protect myself from men who will only eventually hurt me.

My guard, which seems to be perpetually up, is now starting to present challenges. I am so afraid of being hurt that I completely disconnect myself from any potential relationship believing if he's interested, he will make a move. He will make it known. I refuse to pursue anyone and I am not very forgiving.

So, here is my challenge, to take risks.

I need to be more open to finding someone and making my thoughts and feelings known. Subtly is not a man's strong suit. I need to be more open to making plans and have blind faith that at some point a man is not going to take advantage of my persistence and will instead appreciate my forwardness. I think my fear also surrounds men taking advantage of my persistence by engaging in a romantic relationship with me and, when times get tough or when things get serious, having them turn around to say, "I never wanted this, you kissed me first. Anything that happened between us after that point is your fault." That's another classy thing a man actually said to me - I've known some real winners.

So here's the risk, to reach out to someone who should have reached out to me, thus opening or reopening myself up to the possibility of dating someone new. Will my text message say, "let's get naked and do the nasty" or "I can't wait to have a conversation about life with you sometime soon." No, it won't say either one of those things. All it will say is that I was thinking about him and wanted to say hello.

Try number one, he should have taken the hint, but he probably didn't since he didn't take the reins and start a conversation with me even after I opened the door, instead he responded while simultaneously ending the conversation. The result? I know he has no interest in me and can move along while discounting him from any potential future interactions.

Back to my metaphor of the bicycle, I need to dust myself off and try again - either by reaching out to someone else or starting over from scratch. On to the next!

Lost Hoping to be Found

Over the past two weeks I have thrown myself into work, partially by necessity and partially by choice. The early mornings and late nights come with the territory this time of the year, but I find myself hanging around even after I could have easily excused myself for the evening to be with people who I enjoy but aren't my friends. I don't want to go home because I don't want to be alone. I want to relax with someone and share my day. I want someone there, but not just anyone. I want someone to share my life with - my long days, my successes, my failures, my challenges, and my hopes - in return supporting them through their long days, delighting in their successes, being there for their failures and challenges, while encouraging their hopes and dreams.

So what? The truth is, I'm not sure.

I've been promised by not one person who claims to have psychic visions, but three - all of whom were not solicited for their opinions - that I will find the man of my dreams in New York. One even said, the "perfect man for me." Up to this point, that has yet to be seen.

I do my best. I am picky about them men whom I date, but once I'm dating them I try to see their best side, give them the benefit of the doubt and support them. What has happened to me up to this point? I've been completely burned. My ex, who I met in New York and dated for a while, was fantastic. He was loving and attentive, he also made his thoughts and feelings for me known - I never had to guess where I stood or how he felt, though it ends up I should have guessed because one day he took a trip and when he returned he claimed he had a complete change of heart and that, upon further examination, I didn't mean anything to him. No exaggeration, those were his words - "You don't mean anything to me."

Where do I go from here? Where do I go and what do I do? How do I make sure that someday I'm not completely alone, but that I have a life long companion in friendship, love and passion? How do I find that person and how will I know that the relationship won't end in heartbreak the same way my last one did? I know none of us can ever "know" for sure, but I need to find someone who loves me and be able to feel sure and safe again.

Done with Algorithms

I'm pretty sure that trying to online date is actually lowering my chances of finding something real and lasting. I just can't do it anymore. I despise the entire process and I've never met someone who was actually a quality person, not saying that these people don't exist, but I sure as heck haven't found them yet. I wonder if something happens when people meet from an online medium where both people's coolness factor is automatically halved.

So, what next? I keep on keeping on.

Some new guy sent me "questions" online, but I've been so busy with work I haven't had the time or energy to respond, so I probably look uninterested. However, I've tried to adopt some blind optimism and went ahead and answered his questions anyway. Who knows, maybe the fourth online date (in three months) is the charm?

Which brings me to my next order of business. This online dating profile expires in early September and I am not continuing to pay for the service. It's just crap and I have to have more faith in myself than I do in finding other desperate individuals who may or, more likely, may not be compatible with me. I know I'm a harsher judge when it comes to online dating than I am when it comes to meeting people organically, but I think that is even more reason for me to abandon the online medium for a little while.

As for the rest, I'm completely single. I'm no longer hopeful that the men who I've met recently will step up and take the reins, but I am hopeful that someday some man will take the lead and show some real interest, love, and dedication. This person would have to also be someone whom I could in return learn to love, adore, and respect. I really want to find a partner in this life and I have to believe that is a real possibility and be open to the people that the universe is sending my way instead of those whom an online algorithm says will match.

Relationship Progression Dichotomy

To move fast or to move slow, the never ending question in this world of irresistible personal desires for intimacy and even greater desires to obtain a lasting relationship.

If you choose to move slowly you risk becoming a life long inhabitant of the “friend zone.” Neither of you has the courage to make a move and one, or both, of you are afraid to mess up a friendship. You are convinced that the feelings you feel are in a vacuum and that the other person must not feel anything for you, while secretly hoping that they will someday surprise you and confess their feelings for you, but these hopes are in vain because neither of you would ever be willing to bite the bullet and risk losing a person you care about due to a failed romantic endeavor. You move too slow – and neither person takes the lead, you fail.

If you choose to move more quickly on a whim, perhaps due to overwhelming physical desires or a situation where time together is limited, you face a whole other situation wherein the relationship is likely doomed before it can even begin. A person no longer respects you. You are an object to be desired and conquered, not one to be loved and cherished. After the encounter they likely pretend it never happened and that you mean nothing and, in order to protect yourself, you do the same. The relationship will never progress without one person insisting that connection continues and if neither does, the potential relationship never had legs to begin with, you fail.

My most recent encounter leaves me in a quandary, to say the least. One of my favorite avenues to meet people - since we've already established that I loathe online dating - is "friend of a friend." It just works. You know someone who knows someone and can vouch for the fact that the person is at least half-way decent and will (hopefully) not disappear. If they do disappear, you have someone connected to them, even if just loosely connected, to whom you can say, "what the heck, yo?!" So, if you can't tell already, I met a friend of a friend recently, but that entire situation is complicated and seems to get more complicated as time goes on.

As perhaps a positive, or perhaps a negative, something happened that made us revisit the time we spent together after the fact. No, it was no emergency or problematic situation for me, but rather I found myself worrying about him. My worry about his situation began to cause me additional stress and uneasiness that would only be relieved after knowing that he was alright (yes, I know all of this seems convoluted and weird, but just believe me). So, I contacted him via text, though I would have preferred to call, I didn't know where our conversation would lead or if he was ready to have an open and honest conversation with me.

The good news is, I think he actually really appreciated me reaching out to him. I can barely imagine what he's dealing with, but the fact that he is open and honest is really the first step to him getting the appropriate help and building a network of support amongst his friends and family. Still, the downer to this whole situation is that I still wonder if he really respects me as a woman. I said he should let me know the next time he's around the area I got nothing back, meaning he appreciates my help and my sentiments, but isn't interested in anything more.

I have to know that I am the one who placed myself into this predicament. I don't regret it. Who knows, perhaps I misread everything and he may decide to reach out in the future. Regardless, I wish time and space had afforded something more than a couple days of fun with an outcome unknown. 

Past Experiences Dictating Future Actions

Why is it that people from our past have such power to continually dictate our future? Due to my past relationships I have become so completely guarded – and often emotionally shut down - when it comes to allowing another man to enter my life. My expectations are low. My assumption is that any man actually wants nothing to do with me or will only hurt me in the long run. Thus, to combat the inevitable, I do not allow myself to hope or pursue someone who could potentially be good for me. I don’t step forward. I try not to show my own interest. If he’s interested, he’ll make a move.

My theories and practices probably are not combating the problem, but are more likely exacerbating the problem. By not having faith in a man enough to let him have the opportunity to get close to me I am shutting myself off from new people and potentially wonderful experiences. But how do I get the faith back? How can I believe there is a man out there who I love and who loves me so completely that I should risk getting hurt over and over again?

Let’s face it, I have no answers here, only questions. I’m a work in progress.

Out of Town Phenomenon

Why is it that I find it so difficult to find people who live and work near me to date, while it's effortless to find visitors? A dumb question. Obviously it’s because of the “no strings attached” premise that inevitably accompanies out-of-towners. When you are on vacation, or someone else is, there is no pressure of “what happens next?” You are both able to enjoy one another’s company and then get back to your daily lives without required thoughts, actions, or expectations.

In theory, this whole practice seems ideal. Two people have a good time and don’t have to worry about looming future conversations and interactions. However, I would argue that no matter how fun it seems at the time there is still uneasiness present. Though you can leave a situation feeling like you were satisfied – not to mention in control – undoubtedly over the upcoming days, weeks, or months, your thoughts may eventually drift to that other person, wondering whether or not they will defy expectations and try to build on your fling, wondering whether your paths will cross again, even wondering if you want your paths to cross.

I’ve encountered this out of town fling more than once – with varying degrees of fling-age and, despite being burned before by someone who said he’d follow up once he was back at home and did nothing, I have once again have put myself in a position to be disappointed.

I met someone (of course) who lives states away from me (of course). When I first saw him, I was attracted to him. His physique was strong and he was handsome. Perhaps a little bit quiet at first, but opened up about his life and experiences significantly over the course of only a few days. I hate to say it, but he’s definitely “my type” if I have one.

When he was ready to hit the road I was left wondering, where is this man in relation to me? Was I just some out of town fun, or is he at all considering keeping up with me and perhaps visiting again? Unfortunately, the nature of out of town play is that you don’t ask those questions. You play it cool. You exchange numbers and tell them to let you know if they swing back through town, while you wonder (perhaps hope) that they take action above and beyond your very minimal expectations.

Fools Gold

Alright, so I don' t think things are going to work out with me and attorney man. Now I have to figure out if it's worth entertaining for a little while longer to see where things go - I haven't even kissed anyone since March and I'm starting to miss human contact - or, if I should just stop engaging.

Date number two: once again, he made an excellent decision. A visit to one of the best restaurants in town... for brunch. I feel like brunch might be a better first date than a second date, because sometimes you need a little low lighting.Again, things were good! Conversation was easy and I liked spending time with him. However, when the bill came, we split it this time. I'm totally cool with splitting, but maybe only after a guy has put in some work and at least attempted to kiss me. That sort of knocked the wind out of my sails.

In addition to splitting the check, he seemed to be in a bit of a rush to go shopping and then to his friend's house. Something tells me that that if he was really into me he wouldn't have needed/wanted to split and go shopping - or he at least wouldn't have told me that was the reason for him leaving. Also, he kept hounding how into nutrition he was - we grabbed frozen yogurt after brunch and he was debating which fresh berries to get because some of them are high in sugar. Are you kidding me? They are fresh berries. I'm sure, you'll be Ok.

All in all, I think that one of the moments that made me question him would be ok. But considering all of the moments I questioned him, I don't think this is going to go anywhere. I really don't think he's into this, so I'm not going to wait for his call. If he sets up another meeting, I'll attend. However, at the moment, I'm going to keep on keepin' on.

Who knows the rules of this game, anyway?

Don’t hate the player, hate the game – right? Well… if someone could tell me the rules to the game – not the “rules” that they think are the rules, but the actual rules – that’d be great. Oh, and if we all played by the same rules, that'd be even better!

The other night I was out with one of my girlfriends who I hadn’t seen in a while. We were catching each other up on our lives and I mentioned the two guys in my periphery right now. She was astonished and gave me grief for testing out the waters in a couple of different pools – mind you, she is slightly older than I am and, in my opinion, I’m doing nothing wrong because I’m not kissing either one of them, let alone doing anything else.

As my friend was giving me grief I thought about it and I’m behaving no different from the standard set for men. To a man, especially in the Northeast, mentioning something like exclusivity is like poison to the start of any relationship. Either, they see you all of the time, call you, make plans, and own your “together” status in front of others and it’s assumed that you are exclusive,  or else they call you ever once in a while out of the blue, in which case, it’s not exclusive (and shouldn’t be) unless otherwise stated.

The truth is I don’t know where either interaction is going (one seems to be at a standstill, anyway). I don’t know if either of these guys are actually into me or if they are simply bored. I’ve always been a person who wants to be actively pursued and in these wishy-washy situations where the guy isn’t taking the lead or trying very hard to stay in contact with me, I don’t owe them anything the same way they demonstrate not wanting to owe anything to me. Our arrangement, at least by my "rules," is clear.

However, when it’s all said and done, it is a little bit of a blow when you find out the person on the other end is testing other waters – even if you, yourself, have chosen to continue chatting and making yourself available to others, too. That actually happened to me today. I decided to just check my online dating stuff since I hadn’t been on there in a while and attorney man had closed me, despite our impending date this weekend. Odd… but what was really odd was that I could still see that he was active yesterday, but hasn’t viewed my profile in a week, so he’s still shopping around, too! Just goes to show you, we never know what is happening on the other end of the keyboard and to limit ourselves to talking to only one person at a time is foolish, not to mention a waste of time if it doesn't work out.

Either one of these men will start to prove themselves to me and I’ll have to cut the other one free, or they won’t and I won’t have a set back because of it. When you focus all your time and energy into one person who you don’t know and clearly isn’t making you a priority, that’s a problem. Attorney man might have a couple dates this weekend which I’ll never know about. So, for now, I’m still a single girl and, damn it, I’m going to behave like one.

Wait for Something Good, for Something Great

Well, dudes in my life be crazy, but what else is new?

Super smart attorney and I went out last week and quickly established that we wanted to see each other again. However, he somehow fell into that all too familiar persona of the non-communicator. He knew my friend was in town over the weekend and I know that he is busy at work, but when I told him I’d like to see him again after our first date I was hoping that I’d opened the door wide enough for him to walk through it, especially after he reciprocated my feelings. However, after talking to my girlfriends it was decided that since we hadn’t established daily – or even regular – communication, perhaps he needed some gentle encouragement.

Considering the situation and not quite ready to give the first guy I’d had a decent online date with the 'ol, “good riddance,” I decided to reach out. Last night during a big local event in town I shot him a casual text to see if he was going to be there, too. He replied right away that he wasn’t going and was bummed and asked another couple of topical questions around the point when everyone lost cell signal (of course). But, at least communication had been reopened.

Sure enough, this morning – success! He texted me right away about setting up a casual (read: early/non-romantic) date for this weekend. I agreed and, once again, that is where the conversation began and ended. Ah, well. At least I know a date is in our future and we can see where to go from there.

However, as per usual in my dating life, when it rains it pours. Or, maybe, when it sprinkles it drizzles?

At last night’s event I regaled my love life to my friend and asked her what I should do about both dudes. Taking everything into consideration, she said almost the same thing about Mr. Outing as what I was thinking – he either wasn’t interested or had something else he was dealing with and let it go. If he wanted to be in touch, he’d be in touch.

Then, what happens as the event starts? He sends me a message virtually (note: when I say “virtually” I mean a message sent in a digital medium that is not private). What the heck, yo? We went on our outing two weeks ago. Where had he been and why didn’t he send me something more private, like a text? Or he could have even used the lost medium, why not call? The whole thing was completely random and definitely out of the ordinary. However, it would appear that we are now still in contact and who knows where that will lead.

I suppose all this randomness just goes to show that life never unfolds exactly how fairy tales tell us they will. We have to be open to people and possibilities. All relationships take time and patience. When things are right, they will happen.

I’d like to dedicate this entry (and linked song) to KP who was kind enough to comment on my previous blog. KP, this one goes out to girls like us --> 27 and Counting…

Quartz in the Rough

Persistence is the key to so many things. When I was a little kid I wanted to learn to ride a bike, but I had to fall off a few times before I was able to successfully ride down the street – even after I could ride around the block, I suffered from the occasional spill. However, if I never got back on a bike after my first skinned knee, or even after my sixth or seventh, I never would have felt glorious wind on my face as I rode up and down the Venice Beach boardwalk as an adult. Trials and failures will eventually lead to success, as long as one continues to try.

As is evident in my previous blogs, I have wiped out numerous times when attempting to online date. I have tried to engage with the men I’ve met online – giving them the benefit of the doubt and trying to picture myself with them in once capacity or another. However, in all previous five instances where I’ve actually met a man from the other end of my internet connection, they’ve turned out to be helplessly and hopelessly incompatible with me. I openly discuss how much I despise online dating, but like I did when I fell off of my bicycle, after each failed meeting I dusted myself off and tried again.

I am happy to report the sixth time was the charm - or at least has given me a glimmer of hope.

A man recently initiated conversation with me and he wasn’t the exactly my usual “type,” but he was well written and clearly had spent time on his profile, so I decided to entertain him. Our conversations and emails actually intimidated me! He was so eloquent and measured in his emails that I wondered what he would be like in real life, but I knew he’d be smart.

We decided to go out and I actually enjoyed an online date for the first time ever! He spent time thinking about where we should go and what we should eat. We went out for a great wine and small plates from a fantastic restaurant in town, near my place. He was chivalrous and I found myself hoping that he liked me instead of me trying to make myself like him. Conversation was easy and while getting to know each other we told stories, laughed, and related to one another.

Afterwards he walked me home and I was a little bit awkward (of course) because if he wanted to go in for a kiss I didn’t give him much of an opportunity… because I’m awkward and get nervous.

The good news is we both had a good time and have said we should do it again soon. I think he’ll get a second date and, if he’s lucky, he might even get a record third date – something that’s never happened when I’ve met someone online.

I’m not head over heels in love, but it’s nice to look forward to seeing someone and to give something meaningful a chance to grow. Looks like I might be done falling down for a while and may actually get to ride my bike down the street!

Let Myself Live

I was asked not so long ago, "Why do you write?" An interesting quandary to say the least, but I think I might have isolated the catalyst for my literary ventures. The simplest answer is, I write to process. I never thought of myself as much of a writer until I started putting pen to paper (errr... fingers to keyboard) about three years ago. Now, it is one of the places where I am happiest and a place for self discovery.

I hope those who read this blog understand that my compilation of expositions is nothing more than my own personal outlet to understand the world around me and where I fit, thereby better understanding myself along the way. I believe that in our collective culture sometimes we are overwhelmed by events, issues, and people in our lives for a host of reasons. Events in our lives can be frightening or exciting causing us stress, but we often fail to truly examine the reason why these things cause impact the ways we think and feel. Even more importantly, sometimes we fail to see that by a person or event challenging us we are actually growing, the alternative results without hurdles to overcome could often be worse than the reality in which we live.

Thus, I suppose I'm writing this to tell people that I have no vendettas or ulterior motives while writing this blog. I am writing for me to help me navigate my search for a lasting healthy loving relationship. If you happen to relate to what I'm writing, tell me why! If you disagree with me, let me know that, too. Or, if you happen to think I'm writing about you, well, then I suppose you may have stumbled upon information that will give you the upper hand in our interactions. You may either choose to confront me, or change your actions, or simply ignore what is written here and pretend you are ignorant of my thoughts and emotions.

How you interact with my musings is ultimately up to you, but I truly own what is written here. They are my thoughts and feelings. I hope that other people will relate to my experiences and maybe we can help navigate this crazy world together - or at least know we are not alone.

On to the Next

Still no word, so back to the online dating universe I delve.

On deck for this week from the online realm is a super smart attorney whose personality is *hopefully* more humorous and engaging than his writing samples might indicate. Now I finally feel like I understand where men come from who say they were “intimidated” by my usage of proper English in emails and commas in text messages since, with this dude, I also feel the pang of intimidation. He has planned a classier date than his other online counterparts - a trip to a tasteful wine bar I've always wanted to try. I'm cautiously optimistic, but only time will tell whether or not this dude is fantastic or just another one date wonder.

I still wish Mr. Outing would have stepped up and made asked me out on a real date, I suppose he still could, but the glimmer of hope I had for him is fading fast. At the end of the day I want someone who doesn't need to be poked and prodded to ask me out - I should not be the only one who initiates conversation or plans. As a good friend said, "The beginning of a relationship is not supposed to be hard." Yes, relationships take work, but when it's right - it's right. It'll feel easy at the start and he'll go out of his way to show you he is interested.

Hoodwinked and Bamboozled

As if my last few days hadn’t already been bad enough. I thought I’d get a call and Mr. Outing asking me out on a real date, alas by “we should do this again” he really meant, “I’m not interested, but I am polite.” Then, last night, a former person showed up out of no where despite the fact I was vigilant in making sure he would not turn up. Let me start at the beginning.

Last summer this person and I were a part of the same intramural sports team. In the course of three weeks I think he probably said three sentences to me.  Then, exactly one year ago, we ended up at the Saint Ann’s Italian Festival and that sort of kicked off a month of hooking up – instigated and driven by him. He made moves, he contacted me every day, he made it clear he was interested, until one day he simply dropped off the face of the universe without saying anything to me.

His actions were hurtful and cowardly. When everything finally came out he was vague and just said he didn’t want to do what we were doing anymore. I knew he was recently out of a long term relationship and that he was freaking out about turning 30, so I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt. However, at his 30^th birthday party he showed up with his ex, which was a major slap in the face.

I was so angry that he led me on the way that he did. That he pushed things to happen, even though he knew that our social circles intersected. In retrospect, he’d always treated me like an asshole. He wasn’t kind. He never took me out on a real date. He wasn’t interested in anything authentic, he was only interested in using me. Well, mission accomplished and I never want anything to do with him ever again.

So, last night. My roommate and her friend were going back to the festival and I asked who all was going – just the two of them, I was told. Then a few more people turned up. Finally, low and behold, there was asshole. The one person I did not want to see on the one day I definitely didn’t want to see him. He still makes me angry because he treated me like garbage and now he makes me feel unwelcome in social situations. He should not have that right, considering he is the one who wronged me, but he since everything happened he has never owned or apologized for his manipulative selfish actions.

As if my weekend couldn’t have gotten worse, I was hoodwinked and bamboozled.

Back to square one. On to the next.

Road Full of Promise, Head Full of Doubt

As I muddle through the confusing universe of dating I have come to realize, I truly despise online dating. It is the absolute worst. Over the past three years in New York I’ve now gone out with five guys I’ve met through a digital medium – not one of them has ever made it more than two dates.

It took me three months to dust myself off after my most recent breakup. To get back out there I tried the online thing again, despite my previous crash and burns. Over the past month I have met a total of two men and both came across great on paper, online, and over the phone. It would seem that either would have been a great fit for me. However, alas, when I met both there was a complete lack of true chemistry for one reason or another.

The first guy put so much emphasis on finding “the right girl” and “settling down” straight out of the gate that it was frightening and he nearly forced me to accept what felt like a wedding proposal the very night we met. I just can’t commit to that from anyone right away! We talked about our online histories and he had been on dates with hundreds of girls from half a dozen dating websites. As he talked about his past, I felt as though he’d instantaneously take any half way decent woman who would have him and I never want to be the only option – I want someone to choose me. I want to be the choice, not the default. (Plus, dude never visits NYC and has lived here his whole life. I just can’t live with being the only quasi-connected person in the relationship. I need someone who shares my interests and challenges me!)

My next excursion out was with a different gentleman who was a really decent person. He had unique interests and an outgoing personality. However, when we met, I was completely left unimpressed and uninspired. I don’t want to judge people too harshly and what I’m about to say is not the sole reason, but his outfit was totally wack. He was even uncool enough to ask me the night before our date if I like guys to be clean shaven or not. I told him to “be comfortable, with a little bit of date effort” and what I got was nuts. Black work boots, shorts, and a blue gingham button down short sleeved shirt – not to mention, he was drenched in sweat, which I know was not his fault but it also didn’t help the ensemble. If that was date effort, I don’t think I’d want to see everyday attire. There was just a complete and total lack of chemistry throughout. At least he was cool enough not to make me feel like an ass and when he asked if I wanted to “do this again” and when I said no, he seemed totally cool with it.

So, with these two experiences, I’m back to the grind.

I know that deep down we are all searching and hoping to find that special person, but sometimes finding that person takes time. You can’t rush or seek lasting partnership where it may or may not exist – when you look for things that aren’t there your eyes can create a mirage and convince you that you’ve found true happiness when it may only be an illusion. You can’t beckon love over to you, it finds you and sometimes it takes longer than expected. It cannot be planned or calculated, and sometimes it needs time to grow.

On a more personal note, I did meet someone organically not so long ago. On the fly (perhaps because I was about three sheets to the wind) I proposed that we attend an outing together a couple weeks away and he agreed. The next day he reached out to me “virtually,” but never made any attempt to actually communicate with me in real time. I decided to go forward with our plans, but dismissed him as anything more than a potential friend since he was not actively pursuing me.

Recently we went on our scheduled outing. Good times were had by all.  It was great getting to know him, but from my perspective he was only interested in the outing and perhaps my friendship. However, at the end of the night, things almost felt like a date, yet it wasn’t. And, if it’s not a date, I don’t treat it like a date. But, he proposed that we should do it again and I thought that was a good idea so I told him to text or call me soon and, so far, nothing.

One thing I’ve learned during my dating days – if he’s not asking you out on a date, he either isn't interested or is only interested in a “friends with benefits” situation and I will never put myself there again. Time will tell if he’ll ask me out on a date or properly try to communicate with me, but, for now, I’m not going to put any eggs in that basket because I refuse to  put myself on the line for men who simply aren’t interested in me.

Hoping for Faith

Oh, what irony it is that the one we desire is never the one that desires us and that the ones who actually desire us are not the ones who we desire. Life is a never ending paradox of who loves who and sometimes it seems those two things never match up.

Once again, I find myself at home on a Saturday night with unhealthy food, a bottle of wine, and HBO OnDemand to keep me company. Isn't that just dandy? It makes me wonder and reflect... How did I end up here and how do I move on? Will someone I love ever love me or am I destined to forever be alone?


My love life is a litany of pain. My first significant relationship was with a narcissistic psychopath who mentally abused me until one day I finally snapped out of it and stood up for myself. The two relationships with men whom I actually had feelings for both ended in blindsided breakups. The handful of men whom I've dated casually without any emotional connection were all egotistical womanizing ass holes who did not deserve the topical conversation I provided them, but I was bored and they were present. Finally, the handful of online dates I have forced myself to go on resulted in me meeting men who were perhaps sweet but tragically incompatible with me for one reason or another - and why fool someone and drag on a relationship that is doomed to end before it even stats?

So, where do I go from here? How do I find the person whom I meant to find? Is there even such a person?

When I first moved to the New York area two unsolicited psychics told me that I would meet my husband in New York. So far, that has yet to be seen. The one good man I met in New York City romanced me for two and a half months before inevitably breaking my heart when he suddenly had an epiphany that, despite his loving actions and persistence, I actually did not mean anything to him. I hesitate to calling that a defining moment in my life since it was only three months ago, but it hurt me to my very core.

Now, I've picked myself up and dusted myself off and re-upped my online dating profile. In only a week I've gone on a date. The date was complicated and I choose not to go into details here and now, but I know that he is not the one. But, who is? I have to have faith. At the moment I don't, but here's hoping for a little.