Daily Struggles

One thing I have said before, and will say again, is that we all have our own struggles. Every single person – no matter how great their life might look on the outside has weaknesses and points of where they hope their life might be able to improve.

I, like everyone, have struggles I must face every day. Some of my struggles are visible, like my weight. You can’t look at me and wonder if weight is a struggle, it’s clear that it is. I am up, I’m down, but I’m always consistently heavy, curvy, chunky… fat. It hurts me and all I want to do is get better, but I keep slipping and I keep feeling inadequate. However, when it all comes down to it, I wonder if my weight is a result of my internal struggle manifesting itself on my body.

With hot tears rolling down my face on my walk home the other day, I was reminded I deal with sadness. It comes and goes, but more recently it's been a staple of my day to day living. I don't want to blame my sadness on someone or something, but it truly lies in my lack of a meaningful relationship. I see the people around me getting married and having babies and I wonder, "what about me?" btw, just for the record I am NOT at a place where I'd want to have a baby any time soon

Like my weight, my sadness comes and it goes. I’m up and I’m down, but this crushing feeling of sadness always eventually rears its ugly head. I’m constantly dwelling on my loneliness and my imperfections. When I feel truly loved – by choice, not by familial obligation – I am so happy and content. I feel like I’m in charge of my future and my destiny and that I’m lucky to have someone there by my side who loves me, but the instances of me truly feeling loved are so few and far between that nearly all of my life I have not felt I’m worthy of happiness. Of course, the irony here is all too apparent; my sadness is like replant to a significant relationship and lasting companionship.

Friends help. Being surrounded by friends makes me feel somehow less conspicuous in my lack of lasting companionship. Friends give me a glimmer of hope that maybe some day someone will love me. Maybe someone some day will choose me. Maybe some day I’ll be worth it to someone. Maybe I’ll be worth it to someone who will also be worth the world to me. That has yet to be seen and has left me struggling, perhaps more than usual, with my sadness.

Coupling by Season

An odd phenomenon, not to mention one I've never even considered, but according to a guy who would know, women should abandon any hope of starting something special with a dude in the spring/summer.

Friend's boyfriend, or FBF as I will henceforth refer to him, is the longtime boyfriend of one of my best friends. He's a tad bit older and wiser than gentlemen my own age, but he definitely isn't flawless. He has been with my girl friend for nearly 5 years - they have lived together for three - but there's still no ring on it. You can guess how my friend must feel about the entire situation... not so awesome.  However, despite his current romantic situation FBF sometimes makes a lot of sense when it comes to talking about relationships and my current single situation. Recently we had a heart to heart while waiting for a AAA repairman to come fix his flat tire while my friend was passed out in the front seat.

FBF has told me before (and reiterated during our wait for the ever absent repair-dude) to stop stressing about love in my life and have confidence in who I am. According to him, I've got my shit going on. He reminds me to look at where I am - I have a masters degree, a full time job I like, a 5-block walk to work, great friends, and an adventurous spirit. In his mind and, according to him, in the minds of men who I meet, any man would be lucky to get with me. He even takes it one step further, he declares that the men I meet actually have something to prove to me, not the other way around.

While chatting FBF also disclosed another dating oddity which I had never considered, apparently men only want to really get with ladies in a significant way round about the fall and winter - definitely not in the spring or summer. Apparently we ladies are just barking up all the wrong trees if the temperature is above 70 degrees. FBF said men want to snuggle up in the winter time "'cause winters get cold" and in the summertime there are ladies looking to have fun abound.

Interesting theory. As the fall approaches with effervescent speed, I will keep you posted.

Risky Business

On the last weekend of summer I looked at my friends and declared, "I want to take more risks."

The question I got in return was, "What does that mean?" My answer is still a work in progress.

Over the past three years I have evolved tremendously. Where I used to be shy and self conscious to the point I was nearly debilitated by my own insecurities, I now try to exude confidence and nonchalance regarding the men around me. I try to act like, "If you want me, you'll come and get me. If you don't want me, well, that's your own fault and you're going to miss out on something special." I suppose this change came about when I finally stopped caring about what men thought and when I decided romantic human connections were more important than personal physical perfection, which I will probably never attain.

When I made the decision to stop being overly critical of myself, I came into my new persona and suddenly started to meet men. At first, of course, I started with as a bright eyed optimist. I thought the men I met must be great and looked for their goodness while overlooking their issues and drawbacks. The result? I got burned over and over again. Also, let me clarify, I was not naive. I knew that when I met a man casually, I probably didn't mean much to him. However, when I'd meet a man and he'd actively pursue me, I made sure that I appreciated him and did my best to make things work. Regardless of my effort and optimism, I've been broken up with numerous times. I've gotten, "It's not you, it's me." and "We just shouldn't do what we're doing anymore." and, the harshest breakup of all, "You just don't mean anything to me." Therefore, along with my presentation of confidence, I've been forced to develop a strong exterior to protect myself from men who will only eventually hurt me.

My guard, which seems to be perpetually up, is now starting to present challenges. I am so afraid of being hurt that I completely disconnect myself from any potential relationship believing if he's interested, he will make a move. He will make it known. I refuse to pursue anyone and I am not very forgiving.

So, here is my challenge, to take risks.

I need to be more open to finding someone and making my thoughts and feelings known. Subtly is not a man's strong suit. I need to be more open to making plans and have blind faith that at some point a man is not going to take advantage of my persistence and will instead appreciate my forwardness. I think my fear also surrounds men taking advantage of my persistence by engaging in a romantic relationship with me and, when times get tough or when things get serious, having them turn around to say, "I never wanted this, you kissed me first. Anything that happened between us after that point is your fault." That's another classy thing a man actually said to me - I've known some real winners.

So here's the risk, to reach out to someone who should have reached out to me, thus opening or reopening myself up to the possibility of dating someone new. Will my text message say, "let's get naked and do the nasty" or "I can't wait to have a conversation about life with you sometime soon." No, it won't say either one of those things. All it will say is that I was thinking about him and wanted to say hello.

Try number one, he should have taken the hint, but he probably didn't since he didn't take the reins and start a conversation with me even after I opened the door, instead he responded while simultaneously ending the conversation. The result? I know he has no interest in me and can move along while discounting him from any potential future interactions.

Back to my metaphor of the bicycle, I need to dust myself off and try again - either by reaching out to someone else or starting over from scratch. On to the next!