Daily Struggles

One thing I have said before, and will say again, is that we all have our own struggles. Every single person – no matter how great their life might look on the outside has weaknesses and points of where they hope their life might be able to improve.

I, like everyone, have struggles I must face every day. Some of my struggles are visible, like my weight. You can’t look at me and wonder if weight is a struggle, it’s clear that it is. I am up, I’m down, but I’m always consistently heavy, curvy, chunky… fat. It hurts me and all I want to do is get better, but I keep slipping and I keep feeling inadequate. However, when it all comes down to it, I wonder if my weight is a result of my internal struggle manifesting itself on my body.

With hot tears rolling down my face on my walk home the other day, I was reminded I deal with sadness. It comes and goes, but more recently it's been a staple of my day to day living. I don't want to blame my sadness on someone or something, but it truly lies in my lack of a meaningful relationship. I see the people around me getting married and having babies and I wonder, "what about me?" btw, just for the record I am NOT at a place where I'd want to have a baby any time soon

Like my weight, my sadness comes and it goes. I’m up and I’m down, but this crushing feeling of sadness always eventually rears its ugly head. I’m constantly dwelling on my loneliness and my imperfections. When I feel truly loved – by choice, not by familial obligation – I am so happy and content. I feel like I’m in charge of my future and my destiny and that I’m lucky to have someone there by my side who loves me, but the instances of me truly feeling loved are so few and far between that nearly all of my life I have not felt I’m worthy of happiness. Of course, the irony here is all too apparent; my sadness is like replant to a significant relationship and lasting companionship.

Friends help. Being surrounded by friends makes me feel somehow less conspicuous in my lack of lasting companionship. Friends give me a glimmer of hope that maybe some day someone will love me. Maybe someone some day will choose me. Maybe some day I’ll be worth it to someone. Maybe I’ll be worth it to someone who will also be worth the world to me. That has yet to be seen and has left me struggling, perhaps more than usual, with my sadness.