The Thing About "Nice" Guys

Recently, a friend of mine told me they had a “nice” guy I should meet. The conversation went something like this:
Me: “Is he cute?”
Her: “Well, sort of. He’s a niiiiice guy.”
Me: “How old is he?”
Her: “Older than us. Mid-thirties.”
Me: I’m skeptical. “What’s wrong with him?”
Her: “Nothing. Girls just tend to walk all over him. He’s just a nice guy.”
Me: “What does he do?”
Her: “I don’t know… something generic like finance or business or something.”
Me: “Is he outgoing?”
Her: “He’s shy, but he’s a nice guy.”
Me: “I don’t want to do all the work here.”
Her: “He’s the kind of guy who will do anything for the person he is with. You just have to work at it.”

The problem in this situation and in others like it is that “nice” guys seems to mean someone who has no backbone and is just, “meh.” He’s not bad, he’s not great, essentially this man is nothing to write home about. You won’t be swept off your feet, you’ll actually have to coax him out of his shell, and maybe, just maybe, then you’ll be attracted to him, but chances are there will never be a spark. If you get past his generic blah-ness, he’ll be so happy to have you, he’ll be yours forever. All of this begs the question, why are these so-called “nice” guys so unappealing? As if you couldn't already tell, I’ve had a little time to think about this and here it goes -

This “nice” guy my friend was describing is, or appears to be, a total pushover and I’ve gone on dates with men just like this before. These “nice” guys meet a girl and immediately will do anything to please them. He doesn’t bend over backwards to please the girl because he is truly interested in the girl – he doesn’t even know the girl yet, he only makes extra effort because he wants to love the girl. He wants to see past her faults and, gosh darn it, if she likes him he’ll find a way to love whoever she might be. The particular girl doesn’t actually matter one bit in this equation. She’s basically a walking vagina that he hopes to claim forever. Not cool and not attractive.

In this situation, it’s the girl who has to do all of the work. It’s the girl who has to delve deeper into the situation to see if this man is, in fact, a diamond in the rough, but the rough is so rough she’ll give up before she even gets close. As she digs, he’ll give her generic lines that he thinks will win her over. Yet, instead of being genuine, he’ll sell himself to her and never truly be himself. He’ll make declarations of what he would, could, or will do for the girl if they continue to date. For example:
“I’ll bring you flowers.”
“I’ll shovel your driveway when it snows.”
“I’ll pick you up at any airport any day at any hour.”
“I’ll take you out on great dates all the time.”
While all of these things are amazing in actuality and exactly what girls want, girls don’t want to hear about what a guy will or won’t do for them, they just want him to do it. If a man say’s “I’ll do this” and “I’ll do that” a girl will quickly feel smothered and scared. When any person moves in the relationship too soon by making broad statements or big gestures it forces the other person to make a decision about whether or not they could possibly be with the other person forever and when decisions are rushed the answer is usually a big fat no. We’re essentially all scared deer in a huge forest and if someone tries to get too close too fast they will make us go leaping into the trees away from them never to be seen again.

On the other hand, if the situation is handled well, as time passes a mutual trust, adoration, and respect can build and the declarations I listed above are things that if simply done (and not broadcast) will make a woman will feel loved and valued. She will throw a party for that man in her head (perhaps also in her bed) and fall in love one deed at a time and will perform her own lovely deeds for the man in return.

I think this my friend is describing to me is a man who is convinced he needs to be in love and I am also a woman who is convinced I need to be in love. But as men and women who want to be in love have specific respective roles to play. In my book, a man needs to clearly and definitively take the lead and show interest without appearing over eager or desperate. In return, I need to be open to the possibility of dating, show interest, and give him a shot. After we see each other a few times and truly enjoy one another’s company, that’s when small gestures above the normal date can be made on either side of the table to test the waters. Whether or not a gesture is appreciated or returned will show the other person’s level of comfort and interest. Once gestures are given routinely and reciprocated, at that point like (err.. love?) is starting to blossom and the chances of scaring away the other person slowly diminishes.

This whole showing interest and starting a relationship while trying not to scare the other person away is a difficult line to walk, we must all be patient. However, we must all still decide to take affirmative action and true to ourselves. This “nice” guy my friend wants me to meet, must be bold. He must decide to take an interest and make a move, not expect me to pull him out of his shyness. He also needs to be sure he truly likes me and not just the fact I’m a girl who might accept him, as I also need to be sure I like every part of him down to his very soul. He must also try not to speak continually about what he will or won’t do, but if there is mutual attraction, as time passes he needs to show me what he will or won’t do, as I show him what I will and won’t do. Both of our actions must speak for who we are.

The truth is, I want to meet a nice guy and marry him someday. I want the man I’m with to be someone who will go out of his way for myself and our family, as well as for our friends and neighbors. However, I also want someone who is secure in himself. I want someone who is vibrant, playful, sweet, thoughtful, caring, motivated, driven, happy, helpful, passionate, and many other things.

Only time will tell whether two people can be right for one another, but in the rules to my game, we’ll only ever get there if a man has the balls to be a man first and not a wishy-washy generic "nice" guy.