Lost Hoping to be Found

Over the past two weeks I have thrown myself into work, partially by necessity and partially by choice. The early mornings and late nights come with the territory this time of the year, but I find myself hanging around even after I could have easily excused myself for the evening to be with people who I enjoy but aren't my friends. I don't want to go home because I don't want to be alone. I want to relax with someone and share my day. I want someone there, but not just anyone. I want someone to share my life with - my long days, my successes, my failures, my challenges, and my hopes - in return supporting them through their long days, delighting in their successes, being there for their failures and challenges, while encouraging their hopes and dreams.

So what? The truth is, I'm not sure.

I've been promised by not one person who claims to have psychic visions, but three - all of whom were not solicited for their opinions - that I will find the man of my dreams in New York. One even said, the "perfect man for me." Up to this point, that has yet to be seen.

I do my best. I am picky about them men whom I date, but once I'm dating them I try to see their best side, give them the benefit of the doubt and support them. What has happened to me up to this point? I've been completely burned. My ex, who I met in New York and dated for a while, was fantastic. He was loving and attentive, he also made his thoughts and feelings for me known - I never had to guess where I stood or how he felt, though it ends up I should have guessed because one day he took a trip and when he returned he claimed he had a complete change of heart and that, upon further examination, I didn't mean anything to him. No exaggeration, those were his words - "You don't mean anything to me."

Where do I go from here? Where do I go and what do I do? How do I make sure that someday I'm not completely alone, but that I have a life long companion in friendship, love and passion? How do I find that person and how will I know that the relationship won't end in heartbreak the same way my last one did? I know none of us can ever "know" for sure, but I need to find someone who loves me and be able to feel sure and safe again.

Done with Algorithms

I'm pretty sure that trying to online date is actually lowering my chances of finding something real and lasting. I just can't do it anymore. I despise the entire process and I've never met someone who was actually a quality person, not saying that these people don't exist, but I sure as heck haven't found them yet. I wonder if something happens when people meet from an online medium where both people's coolness factor is automatically halved.

So, what next? I keep on keeping on.

Some new guy sent me "questions" online, but I've been so busy with work I haven't had the time or energy to respond, so I probably look uninterested. However, I've tried to adopt some blind optimism and went ahead and answered his questions anyway. Who knows, maybe the fourth online date (in three months) is the charm?

Which brings me to my next order of business. This online dating profile expires in early September and I am not continuing to pay for the service. It's just crap and I have to have more faith in myself than I do in finding other desperate individuals who may or, more likely, may not be compatible with me. I know I'm a harsher judge when it comes to online dating than I am when it comes to meeting people organically, but I think that is even more reason for me to abandon the online medium for a little while.

As for the rest, I'm completely single. I'm no longer hopeful that the men who I've met recently will step up and take the reins, but I am hopeful that someday some man will take the lead and show some real interest, love, and dedication. This person would have to also be someone whom I could in return learn to love, adore, and respect. I really want to find a partner in this life and I have to believe that is a real possibility and be open to the people that the universe is sending my way instead of those whom an online algorithm says will match.

Relationship Progression Dichotomy

To move fast or to move slow, the never ending question in this world of irresistible personal desires for intimacy and even greater desires to obtain a lasting relationship.

If you choose to move slowly you risk becoming a life long inhabitant of the “friend zone.” Neither of you has the courage to make a move and one, or both, of you are afraid to mess up a friendship. You are convinced that the feelings you feel are in a vacuum and that the other person must not feel anything for you, while secretly hoping that they will someday surprise you and confess their feelings for you, but these hopes are in vain because neither of you would ever be willing to bite the bullet and risk losing a person you care about due to a failed romantic endeavor. You move too slow – and neither person takes the lead, you fail.

If you choose to move more quickly on a whim, perhaps due to overwhelming physical desires or a situation where time together is limited, you face a whole other situation wherein the relationship is likely doomed before it can even begin. A person no longer respects you. You are an object to be desired and conquered, not one to be loved and cherished. After the encounter they likely pretend it never happened and that you mean nothing and, in order to protect yourself, you do the same. The relationship will never progress without one person insisting that connection continues and if neither does, the potential relationship never had legs to begin with, you fail.

My most recent encounter leaves me in a quandary, to say the least. One of my favorite avenues to meet people - since we've already established that I loathe online dating - is "friend of a friend." It just works. You know someone who knows someone and can vouch for the fact that the person is at least half-way decent and will (hopefully) not disappear. If they do disappear, you have someone connected to them, even if just loosely connected, to whom you can say, "what the heck, yo?!" So, if you can't tell already, I met a friend of a friend recently, but that entire situation is complicated and seems to get more complicated as time goes on.

As perhaps a positive, or perhaps a negative, something happened that made us revisit the time we spent together after the fact. No, it was no emergency or problematic situation for me, but rather I found myself worrying about him. My worry about his situation began to cause me additional stress and uneasiness that would only be relieved after knowing that he was alright (yes, I know all of this seems convoluted and weird, but just believe me). So, I contacted him via text, though I would have preferred to call, I didn't know where our conversation would lead or if he was ready to have an open and honest conversation with me.

The good news is, I think he actually really appreciated me reaching out to him. I can barely imagine what he's dealing with, but the fact that he is open and honest is really the first step to him getting the appropriate help and building a network of support amongst his friends and family. Still, the downer to this whole situation is that I still wonder if he really respects me as a woman. I said he should let me know the next time he's around the area I got nothing back, meaning he appreciates my help and my sentiments, but isn't interested in anything more.

I have to know that I am the one who placed myself into this predicament. I don't regret it. Who knows, perhaps I misread everything and he may decide to reach out in the future. Regardless, I wish time and space had afforded something more than a couple days of fun with an outcome unknown. 

Past Experiences Dictating Future Actions

Why is it that people from our past have such power to continually dictate our future? Due to my past relationships I have become so completely guarded – and often emotionally shut down - when it comes to allowing another man to enter my life. My expectations are low. My assumption is that any man actually wants nothing to do with me or will only hurt me in the long run. Thus, to combat the inevitable, I do not allow myself to hope or pursue someone who could potentially be good for me. I don’t step forward. I try not to show my own interest. If he’s interested, he’ll make a move.

My theories and practices probably are not combating the problem, but are more likely exacerbating the problem. By not having faith in a man enough to let him have the opportunity to get close to me I am shutting myself off from new people and potentially wonderful experiences. But how do I get the faith back? How can I believe there is a man out there who I love and who loves me so completely that I should risk getting hurt over and over again?

Let’s face it, I have no answers here, only questions. I’m a work in progress.

Out of Town Phenomenon

Why is it that I find it so difficult to find people who live and work near me to date, while it's effortless to find visitors? A dumb question. Obviously it’s because of the “no strings attached” premise that inevitably accompanies out-of-towners. When you are on vacation, or someone else is, there is no pressure of “what happens next?” You are both able to enjoy one another’s company and then get back to your daily lives without required thoughts, actions, or expectations.

In theory, this whole practice seems ideal. Two people have a good time and don’t have to worry about looming future conversations and interactions. However, I would argue that no matter how fun it seems at the time there is still uneasiness present. Though you can leave a situation feeling like you were satisfied – not to mention in control – undoubtedly over the upcoming days, weeks, or months, your thoughts may eventually drift to that other person, wondering whether or not they will defy expectations and try to build on your fling, wondering whether your paths will cross again, even wondering if you want your paths to cross.

I’ve encountered this out of town fling more than once – with varying degrees of fling-age and, despite being burned before by someone who said he’d follow up once he was back at home and did nothing, I have once again have put myself in a position to be disappointed.

I met someone (of course) who lives states away from me (of course). When I first saw him, I was attracted to him. His physique was strong and he was handsome. Perhaps a little bit quiet at first, but opened up about his life and experiences significantly over the course of only a few days. I hate to say it, but he’s definitely “my type” if I have one.

When he was ready to hit the road I was left wondering, where is this man in relation to me? Was I just some out of town fun, or is he at all considering keeping up with me and perhaps visiting again? Unfortunately, the nature of out of town play is that you don’t ask those questions. You play it cool. You exchange numbers and tell them to let you know if they swing back through town, while you wonder (perhaps hope) that they take action above and beyond your very minimal expectations.

Fools Gold

Alright, so I don' t think things are going to work out with me and attorney man. Now I have to figure out if it's worth entertaining for a little while longer to see where things go - I haven't even kissed anyone since March and I'm starting to miss human contact - or, if I should just stop engaging.

Date number two: once again, he made an excellent decision. A visit to one of the best restaurants in town... for brunch. I feel like brunch might be a better first date than a second date, because sometimes you need a little low lighting.Again, things were good! Conversation was easy and I liked spending time with him. However, when the bill came, we split it this time. I'm totally cool with splitting, but maybe only after a guy has put in some work and at least attempted to kiss me. That sort of knocked the wind out of my sails.

In addition to splitting the check, he seemed to be in a bit of a rush to go shopping and then to his friend's house. Something tells me that that if he was really into me he wouldn't have needed/wanted to split and go shopping - or he at least wouldn't have told me that was the reason for him leaving. Also, he kept hounding how into nutrition he was - we grabbed frozen yogurt after brunch and he was debating which fresh berries to get because some of them are high in sugar. Are you kidding me? They are fresh berries. I'm sure, you'll be Ok.

All in all, I think that one of the moments that made me question him would be ok. But considering all of the moments I questioned him, I don't think this is going to go anywhere. I really don't think he's into this, so I'm not going to wait for his call. If he sets up another meeting, I'll attend. However, at the moment, I'm going to keep on keepin' on.

Who knows the rules of this game, anyway?

Don’t hate the player, hate the game – right? Well… if someone could tell me the rules to the game – not the “rules” that they think are the rules, but the actual rules – that’d be great. Oh, and if we all played by the same rules, that'd be even better!

The other night I was out with one of my girlfriends who I hadn’t seen in a while. We were catching each other up on our lives and I mentioned the two guys in my periphery right now. She was astonished and gave me grief for testing out the waters in a couple of different pools – mind you, she is slightly older than I am and, in my opinion, I’m doing nothing wrong because I’m not kissing either one of them, let alone doing anything else.

As my friend was giving me grief I thought about it and I’m behaving no different from the standard set for men. To a man, especially in the Northeast, mentioning something like exclusivity is like poison to the start of any relationship. Either, they see you all of the time, call you, make plans, and own your “together” status in front of others and it’s assumed that you are exclusive,  or else they call you ever once in a while out of the blue, in which case, it’s not exclusive (and shouldn’t be) unless otherwise stated.

The truth is I don’t know where either interaction is going (one seems to be at a standstill, anyway). I don’t know if either of these guys are actually into me or if they are simply bored. I’ve always been a person who wants to be actively pursued and in these wishy-washy situations where the guy isn’t taking the lead or trying very hard to stay in contact with me, I don’t owe them anything the same way they demonstrate not wanting to owe anything to me. Our arrangement, at least by my "rules," is clear.

However, when it’s all said and done, it is a little bit of a blow when you find out the person on the other end is testing other waters – even if you, yourself, have chosen to continue chatting and making yourself available to others, too. That actually happened to me today. I decided to just check my online dating stuff since I hadn’t been on there in a while and attorney man had closed me, despite our impending date this weekend. Odd… but what was really odd was that I could still see that he was active yesterday, but hasn’t viewed my profile in a week, so he’s still shopping around, too! Just goes to show you, we never know what is happening on the other end of the keyboard and to limit ourselves to talking to only one person at a time is foolish, not to mention a waste of time if it doesn't work out.

Either one of these men will start to prove themselves to me and I’ll have to cut the other one free, or they won’t and I won’t have a set back because of it. When you focus all your time and energy into one person who you don’t know and clearly isn’t making you a priority, that’s a problem. Attorney man might have a couple dates this weekend which I’ll never know about. So, for now, I’m still a single girl and, damn it, I’m going to behave like one.

Wait for Something Good, for Something Great

Well, dudes in my life be crazy, but what else is new?

Super smart attorney and I went out last week and quickly established that we wanted to see each other again. However, he somehow fell into that all too familiar persona of the non-communicator. He knew my friend was in town over the weekend and I know that he is busy at work, but when I told him I’d like to see him again after our first date I was hoping that I’d opened the door wide enough for him to walk through it, especially after he reciprocated my feelings. However, after talking to my girlfriends it was decided that since we hadn’t established daily – or even regular – communication, perhaps he needed some gentle encouragement.

Considering the situation and not quite ready to give the first guy I’d had a decent online date with the 'ol, “good riddance,” I decided to reach out. Last night during a big local event in town I shot him a casual text to see if he was going to be there, too. He replied right away that he wasn’t going and was bummed and asked another couple of topical questions around the point when everyone lost cell signal (of course). But, at least communication had been reopened.

Sure enough, this morning – success! He texted me right away about setting up a casual (read: early/non-romantic) date for this weekend. I agreed and, once again, that is where the conversation began and ended. Ah, well. At least I know a date is in our future and we can see where to go from there.

However, as per usual in my dating life, when it rains it pours. Or, maybe, when it sprinkles it drizzles?

At last night’s event I regaled my love life to my friend and asked her what I should do about both dudes. Taking everything into consideration, she said almost the same thing about Mr. Outing as what I was thinking – he either wasn’t interested or had something else he was dealing with and let it go. If he wanted to be in touch, he’d be in touch.

Then, what happens as the event starts? He sends me a message virtually (note: when I say “virtually” I mean a message sent in a digital medium that is not private). What the heck, yo? We went on our outing two weeks ago. Where had he been and why didn’t he send me something more private, like a text? Or he could have even used the lost medium, why not call? The whole thing was completely random and definitely out of the ordinary. However, it would appear that we are now still in contact and who knows where that will lead.

I suppose all this randomness just goes to show that life never unfolds exactly how fairy tales tell us they will. We have to be open to people and possibilities. All relationships take time and patience. When things are right, they will happen.

I’d like to dedicate this entry (and linked song) to KP who was kind enough to comment on my previous blog. KP, this one goes out to girls like us --> 27 and Counting…