There are worse things than being single

Gotta love a night that puts it ALL into perspective.

Yes, Valentines Day was less than a week ago and, yes, that can sorta put people into a blue mood. However, this year I decided to celebrate Thursday instead of being disappointed that Thursday just happened to be February 14th. One friend pitied me, which was the last thing I wanted, and another person even had the audacity to say to me as I sat at my desk at 5:15, "Oh, I guess since you're still here that must mean that you don't have a boyfriend." However, despite the fact I've never had a decent boyfriend of the 14th day of the second month of the year, I really did my best to let it all roll off my shoulder and nights like last night really make me relieved and glad to be single.

Last night was weird. It had a fair number of ups and downs. A girl friend and I decided to see a movie and go to the bar for a drink. That drink turned into a 5-hour romp at a bar followed by a post-bar fiasco. No worries, though. There is power in numbers.

We arrived at the bar around 10pm and it was hoppin'. There were plenty of folks around and quite a few rambunctious dudes who had obviously been drinking for a decent part of the day. These guys were, for the most part, alright men who enjoy the occasional drink. I befriended an older gentlemen and we watched a dunking competition on TV while my friend seemingly got along swimmingly with a man whose glimmering wedding ring was shining in her eyeballs. To someone on the outside looking in, they seemed to be chatting well enough. When this set of guys departed, I was informed that this man was not flirting with her, rather he was insulting her. He guessed her age, though he was not asked, and over estimated by about a decade. What a douche bag! Any man should know never to guess a woman's age.

After the guys left, we saddled up to the bar in the newly empty area we met another guy to my friend's left. I could barely hear a word he said, but he seemed nice, cute, and smart - not to mention elegantly foreign - so I let them chat and flirt. I was actually proud of my friend for "going for it," but eventually he left and grabbed her number before departing. He started texting her immediately trying to convince her to go to his place then and there. She eventually told him she enjoyed meeting him and he could take her to dinner sometime, but she was not going to his house tonight. After that, he pretty much checked out and didn't text her again. Jerk face. I'll never understand why men want one night of awkward togetherness instead of consistent booty for a few weeks or months by dating a girl.

As my friend talked to the man to her left, a man sat to my right and after some awkward comments he eventually started up a conversation with me. Similar to the first guy, he had on a wedding ring clearly declaring his taken status, yet he was flirting with me. I decided he was harmless and there was no chance in heck I would screw with a married man, so I innocently chatted with him while my friend talked to another guy. I actually enjoyed our conversation. He told me about dating his wife, the ultimatum she eventually gave him before he proposed, and his marriage. Considering how/when/why they got married, I actually felt sorry for him that he wasn't able to see that his relationship probably wasn't really something he wanted in the long run and that he wasn't able to take the more challenging route and end things. He seemed to be married only because she wanted to be married and he was too cowardly to walk away.

As we talked about life, he gave me the 'ol single girl confidence boost by telling me that I didn't have anything to worry about in the long run. He kept repeating that he'd typically not have the confidence to talk to me and that any man would be lucky. The night was all well and good, until he said he wanted to see me again. I told him that I was sure I'd see him around since I liked the bar and he said, it would be nice to see each other on purpose. I told him that I was flattered, but wasn't that kind of girl. Next, he went back and forth, "joking," saying he would pay me...  but he was just kidding, he wouldn't pay me, but he would.... WHAT?! I could not believe a man just offered to pay me for dating/sex? That's a new one and I was instantaneously happy that I wasn't dating or married to a man soliciting sex from strangers. Of course, I shrugged it off and said "thanks, but no thanks." I don't even have a word to describe how appalled I was at the whole situation.

While I was speaking to sex-soliciting-married-man, my friend started speaking to two new gents. I wasn't really attracted to either and one of the two seemed a bit effeminate. However, my friend wanted to go back to their house for one last drink, which I didn't want to do, but sometimes you take one for the team.They were both nice enough and the one was flirting with my friend, but then he somehow switched his tactics and started going after me. It was like he couldn't make up his mind. He eventually kissed me and it was all teeth and smoker breath. Not cool. The shame was that the other guy was actually really sweet and smart. I didn't think he was my type at the onset but I would have enjoyed talking to him more than being oddly groped by the other guy.

At the end of the night I had to reflect and our entire night was filled with idiots and assholes. We encountered men who were inconsiderate, sleezy, unfaithful, and womanizers. They were all so completely disrespectful to the women in their lives. As much as it would be nice to be dating someone or be married, I wouldn't want to be attached to any of the guys I met last night and I'm happier making my own decisions and living my own life without one of them bringing me down.

The Thing About "Nice" Guys

Recently, a friend of mine told me they had a “nice” guy I should meet. The conversation went something like this:
Me: “Is he cute?”
Her: “Well, sort of. He’s a niiiiice guy.”
Me: “How old is he?”
Her: “Older than us. Mid-thirties.”
Me: I’m skeptical. “What’s wrong with him?”
Her: “Nothing. Girls just tend to walk all over him. He’s just a nice guy.”
Me: “What does he do?”
Her: “I don’t know… something generic like finance or business or something.”
Me: “Is he outgoing?”
Her: “He’s shy, but he’s a nice guy.”
Me: “I don’t want to do all the work here.”
Her: “He’s the kind of guy who will do anything for the person he is with. You just have to work at it.”

The problem in this situation and in others like it is that “nice” guys seems to mean someone who has no backbone and is just, “meh.” He’s not bad, he’s not great, essentially this man is nothing to write home about. You won’t be swept off your feet, you’ll actually have to coax him out of his shell, and maybe, just maybe, then you’ll be attracted to him, but chances are there will never be a spark. If you get past his generic blah-ness, he’ll be so happy to have you, he’ll be yours forever. All of this begs the question, why are these so-called “nice” guys so unappealing? As if you couldn't already tell, I’ve had a little time to think about this and here it goes -

This “nice” guy my friend was describing is, or appears to be, a total pushover and I’ve gone on dates with men just like this before. These “nice” guys meet a girl and immediately will do anything to please them. He doesn’t bend over backwards to please the girl because he is truly interested in the girl – he doesn’t even know the girl yet, he only makes extra effort because he wants to love the girl. He wants to see past her faults and, gosh darn it, if she likes him he’ll find a way to love whoever she might be. The particular girl doesn’t actually matter one bit in this equation. She’s basically a walking vagina that he hopes to claim forever. Not cool and not attractive.

In this situation, it’s the girl who has to do all of the work. It’s the girl who has to delve deeper into the situation to see if this man is, in fact, a diamond in the rough, but the rough is so rough she’ll give up before she even gets close. As she digs, he’ll give her generic lines that he thinks will win her over. Yet, instead of being genuine, he’ll sell himself to her and never truly be himself. He’ll make declarations of what he would, could, or will do for the girl if they continue to date. For example:
“I’ll bring you flowers.”
“I’ll shovel your driveway when it snows.”
“I’ll pick you up at any airport any day at any hour.”
“I’ll take you out on great dates all the time.”
While all of these things are amazing in actuality and exactly what girls want, girls don’t want to hear about what a guy will or won’t do for them, they just want him to do it. If a man say’s “I’ll do this” and “I’ll do that” a girl will quickly feel smothered and scared. When any person moves in the relationship too soon by making broad statements or big gestures it forces the other person to make a decision about whether or not they could possibly be with the other person forever and when decisions are rushed the answer is usually a big fat no. We’re essentially all scared deer in a huge forest and if someone tries to get too close too fast they will make us go leaping into the trees away from them never to be seen again.

On the other hand, if the situation is handled well, as time passes a mutual trust, adoration, and respect can build and the declarations I listed above are things that if simply done (and not broadcast) will make a woman will feel loved and valued. She will throw a party for that man in her head (perhaps also in her bed) and fall in love one deed at a time and will perform her own lovely deeds for the man in return.

I think this my friend is describing to me is a man who is convinced he needs to be in love and I am also a woman who is convinced I need to be in love. But as men and women who want to be in love have specific respective roles to play. In my book, a man needs to clearly and definitively take the lead and show interest without appearing over eager or desperate. In return, I need to be open to the possibility of dating, show interest, and give him a shot. After we see each other a few times and truly enjoy one another’s company, that’s when small gestures above the normal date can be made on either side of the table to test the waters. Whether or not a gesture is appreciated or returned will show the other person’s level of comfort and interest. Once gestures are given routinely and reciprocated, at that point like (err.. love?) is starting to blossom and the chances of scaring away the other person slowly diminishes.

This whole showing interest and starting a relationship while trying not to scare the other person away is a difficult line to walk, we must all be patient. However, we must all still decide to take affirmative action and true to ourselves. This “nice” guy my friend wants me to meet, must be bold. He must decide to take an interest and make a move, not expect me to pull him out of his shyness. He also needs to be sure he truly likes me and not just the fact I’m a girl who might accept him, as I also need to be sure I like every part of him down to his very soul. He must also try not to speak continually about what he will or won’t do, but if there is mutual attraction, as time passes he needs to show me what he will or won’t do, as I show him what I will and won’t do. Both of our actions must speak for who we are.

The truth is, I want to meet a nice guy and marry him someday. I want the man I’m with to be someone who will go out of his way for myself and our family, as well as for our friends and neighbors. However, I also want someone who is secure in himself. I want someone who is vibrant, playful, sweet, thoughtful, caring, motivated, driven, happy, helpful, passionate, and many other things.

Only time will tell whether two people can be right for one another, but in the rules to my game, we’ll only ever get there if a man has the balls to be a man first and not a wishy-washy generic "nice" guy.

Daily Struggles

One thing I have said before, and will say again, is that we all have our own struggles. Every single person – no matter how great their life might look on the outside has weaknesses and points of where they hope their life might be able to improve.

I, like everyone, have struggles I must face every day. Some of my struggles are visible, like my weight. You can’t look at me and wonder if weight is a struggle, it’s clear that it is. I am up, I’m down, but I’m always consistently heavy, curvy, chunky… fat. It hurts me and all I want to do is get better, but I keep slipping and I keep feeling inadequate. However, when it all comes down to it, I wonder if my weight is a result of my internal struggle manifesting itself on my body.

With hot tears rolling down my face on my walk home the other day, I was reminded I deal with sadness. It comes and goes, but more recently it's been a staple of my day to day living. I don't want to blame my sadness on someone or something, but it truly lies in my lack of a meaningful relationship. I see the people around me getting married and having babies and I wonder, "what about me?" btw, just for the record I am NOT at a place where I'd want to have a baby any time soon

Like my weight, my sadness comes and it goes. I’m up and I’m down, but this crushing feeling of sadness always eventually rears its ugly head. I’m constantly dwelling on my loneliness and my imperfections. When I feel truly loved – by choice, not by familial obligation – I am so happy and content. I feel like I’m in charge of my future and my destiny and that I’m lucky to have someone there by my side who loves me, but the instances of me truly feeling loved are so few and far between that nearly all of my life I have not felt I’m worthy of happiness. Of course, the irony here is all too apparent; my sadness is like replant to a significant relationship and lasting companionship.

Friends help. Being surrounded by friends makes me feel somehow less conspicuous in my lack of lasting companionship. Friends give me a glimmer of hope that maybe some day someone will love me. Maybe someone some day will choose me. Maybe some day I’ll be worth it to someone. Maybe I’ll be worth it to someone who will also be worth the world to me. That has yet to be seen and has left me struggling, perhaps more than usual, with my sadness.

Coupling by Season

An odd phenomenon, not to mention one I've never even considered, but according to a guy who would know, women should abandon any hope of starting something special with a dude in the spring/summer.

Friend's boyfriend, or FBF as I will henceforth refer to him, is the longtime boyfriend of one of my best friends. He's a tad bit older and wiser than gentlemen my own age, but he definitely isn't flawless. He has been with my girl friend for nearly 5 years - they have lived together for three - but there's still no ring on it. You can guess how my friend must feel about the entire situation... not so awesome.  However, despite his current romantic situation FBF sometimes makes a lot of sense when it comes to talking about relationships and my current single situation. Recently we had a heart to heart while waiting for a AAA repairman to come fix his flat tire while my friend was passed out in the front seat.

FBF has told me before (and reiterated during our wait for the ever absent repair-dude) to stop stressing about love in my life and have confidence in who I am. According to him, I've got my shit going on. He reminds me to look at where I am - I have a masters degree, a full time job I like, a 5-block walk to work, great friends, and an adventurous spirit. In his mind and, according to him, in the minds of men who I meet, any man would be lucky to get with me. He even takes it one step further, he declares that the men I meet actually have something to prove to me, not the other way around.

While chatting FBF also disclosed another dating oddity which I had never considered, apparently men only want to really get with ladies in a significant way round about the fall and winter - definitely not in the spring or summer. Apparently we ladies are just barking up all the wrong trees if the temperature is above 70 degrees. FBF said men want to snuggle up in the winter time "'cause winters get cold" and in the summertime there are ladies looking to have fun abound.

Interesting theory. As the fall approaches with effervescent speed, I will keep you posted.

Risky Business

On the last weekend of summer I looked at my friends and declared, "I want to take more risks."

The question I got in return was, "What does that mean?" My answer is still a work in progress.

Over the past three years I have evolved tremendously. Where I used to be shy and self conscious to the point I was nearly debilitated by my own insecurities, I now try to exude confidence and nonchalance regarding the men around me. I try to act like, "If you want me, you'll come and get me. If you don't want me, well, that's your own fault and you're going to miss out on something special." I suppose this change came about when I finally stopped caring about what men thought and when I decided romantic human connections were more important than personal physical perfection, which I will probably never attain.

When I made the decision to stop being overly critical of myself, I came into my new persona and suddenly started to meet men. At first, of course, I started with as a bright eyed optimist. I thought the men I met must be great and looked for their goodness while overlooking their issues and drawbacks. The result? I got burned over and over again. Also, let me clarify, I was not naive. I knew that when I met a man casually, I probably didn't mean much to him. However, when I'd meet a man and he'd actively pursue me, I made sure that I appreciated him and did my best to make things work. Regardless of my effort and optimism, I've been broken up with numerous times. I've gotten, "It's not you, it's me." and "We just shouldn't do what we're doing anymore." and, the harshest breakup of all, "You just don't mean anything to me." Therefore, along with my presentation of confidence, I've been forced to develop a strong exterior to protect myself from men who will only eventually hurt me.

My guard, which seems to be perpetually up, is now starting to present challenges. I am so afraid of being hurt that I completely disconnect myself from any potential relationship believing if he's interested, he will make a move. He will make it known. I refuse to pursue anyone and I am not very forgiving.

So, here is my challenge, to take risks.

I need to be more open to finding someone and making my thoughts and feelings known. Subtly is not a man's strong suit. I need to be more open to making plans and have blind faith that at some point a man is not going to take advantage of my persistence and will instead appreciate my forwardness. I think my fear also surrounds men taking advantage of my persistence by engaging in a romantic relationship with me and, when times get tough or when things get serious, having them turn around to say, "I never wanted this, you kissed me first. Anything that happened between us after that point is your fault." That's another classy thing a man actually said to me - I've known some real winners.

So here's the risk, to reach out to someone who should have reached out to me, thus opening or reopening myself up to the possibility of dating someone new. Will my text message say, "let's get naked and do the nasty" or "I can't wait to have a conversation about life with you sometime soon." No, it won't say either one of those things. All it will say is that I was thinking about him and wanted to say hello.

Try number one, he should have taken the hint, but he probably didn't since he didn't take the reins and start a conversation with me even after I opened the door, instead he responded while simultaneously ending the conversation. The result? I know he has no interest in me and can move along while discounting him from any potential future interactions.

Back to my metaphor of the bicycle, I need to dust myself off and try again - either by reaching out to someone else or starting over from scratch. On to the next!

Lost Hoping to be Found

Over the past two weeks I have thrown myself into work, partially by necessity and partially by choice. The early mornings and late nights come with the territory this time of the year, but I find myself hanging around even after I could have easily excused myself for the evening to be with people who I enjoy but aren't my friends. I don't want to go home because I don't want to be alone. I want to relax with someone and share my day. I want someone there, but not just anyone. I want someone to share my life with - my long days, my successes, my failures, my challenges, and my hopes - in return supporting them through their long days, delighting in their successes, being there for their failures and challenges, while encouraging their hopes and dreams.

So what? The truth is, I'm not sure.

I've been promised by not one person who claims to have psychic visions, but three - all of whom were not solicited for their opinions - that I will find the man of my dreams in New York. One even said, the "perfect man for me." Up to this point, that has yet to be seen.

I do my best. I am picky about them men whom I date, but once I'm dating them I try to see their best side, give them the benefit of the doubt and support them. What has happened to me up to this point? I've been completely burned. My ex, who I met in New York and dated for a while, was fantastic. He was loving and attentive, he also made his thoughts and feelings for me known - I never had to guess where I stood or how he felt, though it ends up I should have guessed because one day he took a trip and when he returned he claimed he had a complete change of heart and that, upon further examination, I didn't mean anything to him. No exaggeration, those were his words - "You don't mean anything to me."

Where do I go from here? Where do I go and what do I do? How do I make sure that someday I'm not completely alone, but that I have a life long companion in friendship, love and passion? How do I find that person and how will I know that the relationship won't end in heartbreak the same way my last one did? I know none of us can ever "know" for sure, but I need to find someone who loves me and be able to feel sure and safe again.

Done with Algorithms

I'm pretty sure that trying to online date is actually lowering my chances of finding something real and lasting. I just can't do it anymore. I despise the entire process and I've never met someone who was actually a quality person, not saying that these people don't exist, but I sure as heck haven't found them yet. I wonder if something happens when people meet from an online medium where both people's coolness factor is automatically halved.

So, what next? I keep on keeping on.

Some new guy sent me "questions" online, but I've been so busy with work I haven't had the time or energy to respond, so I probably look uninterested. However, I've tried to adopt some blind optimism and went ahead and answered his questions anyway. Who knows, maybe the fourth online date (in three months) is the charm?

Which brings me to my next order of business. This online dating profile expires in early September and I am not continuing to pay for the service. It's just crap and I have to have more faith in myself than I do in finding other desperate individuals who may or, more likely, may not be compatible with me. I know I'm a harsher judge when it comes to online dating than I am when it comes to meeting people organically, but I think that is even more reason for me to abandon the online medium for a little while.

As for the rest, I'm completely single. I'm no longer hopeful that the men who I've met recently will step up and take the reins, but I am hopeful that someday some man will take the lead and show some real interest, love, and dedication. This person would have to also be someone whom I could in return learn to love, adore, and respect. I really want to find a partner in this life and I have to believe that is a real possibility and be open to the people that the universe is sending my way instead of those whom an online algorithm says will match.