Risky Business

On the last weekend of summer I looked at my friends and declared, "I want to take more risks."

The question I got in return was, "What does that mean?" My answer is still a work in progress.

Over the past three years I have evolved tremendously. Where I used to be shy and self conscious to the point I was nearly debilitated by my own insecurities, I now try to exude confidence and nonchalance regarding the men around me. I try to act like, "If you want me, you'll come and get me. If you don't want me, well, that's your own fault and you're going to miss out on something special." I suppose this change came about when I finally stopped caring about what men thought and when I decided romantic human connections were more important than personal physical perfection, which I will probably never attain.

When I made the decision to stop being overly critical of myself, I came into my new persona and suddenly started to meet men. At first, of course, I started with as a bright eyed optimist. I thought the men I met must be great and looked for their goodness while overlooking their issues and drawbacks. The result? I got burned over and over again. Also, let me clarify, I was not naive. I knew that when I met a man casually, I probably didn't mean much to him. However, when I'd meet a man and he'd actively pursue me, I made sure that I appreciated him and did my best to make things work. Regardless of my effort and optimism, I've been broken up with numerous times. I've gotten, "It's not you, it's me." and "We just shouldn't do what we're doing anymore." and, the harshest breakup of all, "You just don't mean anything to me." Therefore, along with my presentation of confidence, I've been forced to develop a strong exterior to protect myself from men who will only eventually hurt me.

My guard, which seems to be perpetually up, is now starting to present challenges. I am so afraid of being hurt that I completely disconnect myself from any potential relationship believing if he's interested, he will make a move. He will make it known. I refuse to pursue anyone and I am not very forgiving.

So, here is my challenge, to take risks.

I need to be more open to finding someone and making my thoughts and feelings known. Subtly is not a man's strong suit. I need to be more open to making plans and have blind faith that at some point a man is not going to take advantage of my persistence and will instead appreciate my forwardness. I think my fear also surrounds men taking advantage of my persistence by engaging in a romantic relationship with me and, when times get tough or when things get serious, having them turn around to say, "I never wanted this, you kissed me first. Anything that happened between us after that point is your fault." That's another classy thing a man actually said to me - I've known some real winners.

So here's the risk, to reach out to someone who should have reached out to me, thus opening or reopening myself up to the possibility of dating someone new. Will my text message say, "let's get naked and do the nasty" or "I can't wait to have a conversation about life with you sometime soon." No, it won't say either one of those things. All it will say is that I was thinking about him and wanted to say hello.

Try number one, he should have taken the hint, but he probably didn't since he didn't take the reins and start a conversation with me even after I opened the door, instead he responded while simultaneously ending the conversation. The result? I know he has no interest in me and can move along while discounting him from any potential future interactions.

Back to my metaphor of the bicycle, I need to dust myself off and try again - either by reaching out to someone else or starting over from scratch. On to the next!