Road Full of Promise, Head Full of Doubt

As I muddle through the confusing universe of dating I have come to realize, I truly despise online dating. It is the absolute worst. Over the past three years in New York I’ve now gone out with five guys I’ve met through a digital medium – not one of them has ever made it more than two dates.

It took me three months to dust myself off after my most recent breakup. To get back out there I tried the online thing again, despite my previous crash and burns. Over the past month I have met a total of two men and both came across great on paper, online, and over the phone. It would seem that either would have been a great fit for me. However, alas, when I met both there was a complete lack of true chemistry for one reason or another.

The first guy put so much emphasis on finding “the right girl” and “settling down” straight out of the gate that it was frightening and he nearly forced me to accept what felt like a wedding proposal the very night we met. I just can’t commit to that from anyone right away! We talked about our online histories and he had been on dates with hundreds of girls from half a dozen dating websites. As he talked about his past, I felt as though he’d instantaneously take any half way decent woman who would have him and I never want to be the only option – I want someone to choose me. I want to be the choice, not the default. (Plus, dude never visits NYC and has lived here his whole life. I just can’t live with being the only quasi-connected person in the relationship. I need someone who shares my interests and challenges me!)

My next excursion out was with a different gentleman who was a really decent person. He had unique interests and an outgoing personality. However, when we met, I was completely left unimpressed and uninspired. I don’t want to judge people too harshly and what I’m about to say is not the sole reason, but his outfit was totally wack. He was even uncool enough to ask me the night before our date if I like guys to be clean shaven or not. I told him to “be comfortable, with a little bit of date effort” and what I got was nuts. Black work boots, shorts, and a blue gingham button down short sleeved shirt – not to mention, he was drenched in sweat, which I know was not his fault but it also didn’t help the ensemble. If that was date effort, I don’t think I’d want to see everyday attire. There was just a complete and total lack of chemistry throughout. At least he was cool enough not to make me feel like an ass and when he asked if I wanted to “do this again” and when I said no, he seemed totally cool with it.

So, with these two experiences, I’m back to the grind.

I know that deep down we are all searching and hoping to find that special person, but sometimes finding that person takes time. You can’t rush or seek lasting partnership where it may or may not exist – when you look for things that aren’t there your eyes can create a mirage and convince you that you’ve found true happiness when it may only be an illusion. You can’t beckon love over to you, it finds you and sometimes it takes longer than expected. It cannot be planned or calculated, and sometimes it needs time to grow.

On a more personal note, I did meet someone organically not so long ago. On the fly (perhaps because I was about three sheets to the wind) I proposed that we attend an outing together a couple weeks away and he agreed. The next day he reached out to me “virtually,” but never made any attempt to actually communicate with me in real time. I decided to go forward with our plans, but dismissed him as anything more than a potential friend since he was not actively pursuing me.

Recently we went on our scheduled outing. Good times were had by all.  It was great getting to know him, but from my perspective he was only interested in the outing and perhaps my friendship. However, at the end of the night, things almost felt like a date, yet it wasn’t. And, if it’s not a date, I don’t treat it like a date. But, he proposed that we should do it again and I thought that was a good idea so I told him to text or call me soon and, so far, nothing.

One thing I’ve learned during my dating days – if he’s not asking you out on a date, he either isn't interested or is only interested in a “friends with benefits” situation and I will never put myself there again. Time will tell if he’ll ask me out on a date or properly try to communicate with me, but, for now, I’m not going to put any eggs in that basket because I refuse to  put myself on the line for men who simply aren’t interested in me.