Hoping for Faith

Oh, what irony it is that the one we desire is never the one that desires us and that the ones who actually desire us are not the ones who we desire. Life is a never ending paradox of who loves who and sometimes it seems those two things never match up.

Once again, I find myself at home on a Saturday night with unhealthy food, a bottle of wine, and HBO OnDemand to keep me company. Isn't that just dandy? It makes me wonder and reflect... How did I end up here and how do I move on? Will someone I love ever love me or am I destined to forever be alone?


My love life is a litany of pain. My first significant relationship was with a narcissistic psychopath who mentally abused me until one day I finally snapped out of it and stood up for myself. The two relationships with men whom I actually had feelings for both ended in blindsided breakups. The handful of men whom I've dated casually without any emotional connection were all egotistical womanizing ass holes who did not deserve the topical conversation I provided them, but I was bored and they were present. Finally, the handful of online dates I have forced myself to go on resulted in me meeting men who were perhaps sweet but tragically incompatible with me for one reason or another - and why fool someone and drag on a relationship that is doomed to end before it even stats?

So, where do I go from here? How do I find the person whom I meant to find? Is there even such a person?

When I first moved to the New York area two unsolicited psychics told me that I would meet my husband in New York. So far, that has yet to be seen. The one good man I met in New York City romanced me for two and a half months before inevitably breaking my heart when he suddenly had an epiphany that, despite his loving actions and persistence, I actually did not mean anything to him. I hesitate to calling that a defining moment in my life since it was only three months ago, but it hurt me to my very core.

Now, I've picked myself up and dusted myself off and re-upped my online dating profile. In only a week I've gone on a date. The date was complicated and I choose not to go into details here and now, but I know that he is not the one. But, who is? I have to have faith. At the moment I don't, but here's hoping for a little.